|
2010 New Energy Journal 2009 blogs
2010: What Do You Choose? January 01, 2010
Hard to believe it’s been almost a month since I’ve posted anything. Early in December I began working with the Kuthumi energies from “What’s Missing?” and this became a cascade of releasings and integrations and simply required a great deal of down time with myself. Time to breathe and be with my energies, inviting in the Divine Essence of my soul and discovering some new energies that have long been vacant within, being open to them re-awakening and receiving, receiving, receiving.
The Divine Essence, the soul essence, when it begins to come in, brings with it the twin flame/soul mate and divine partner energies with it. For me, this took the form of retrieving those actualized masculine energies that I had put aside for the journey I’ve been on with the guy I’ve shared my life with over the last 8 years. Part of that journey had been about allowing myself to go out of feminine and masculine balance so as to participate in an alternate reality… just for the experience of it. Bleh!
The re-actualization of my own balanced energies has been wonderful and so very much appreciated. It’s the feminine energies that dream the dreams and the masculine energies that bring those dreams into manifestation. Without my own actualized masculine energies I have not been able to bring in my dreams and see them happen in this physical reality. And this poor little body tried really hard to compensate for this by getting bigger.
During my introspective time I’ve focused on discernment of the energies around me. I have become more and more aware of when I am perceiving things from others and also from other, bleed-through realities, of which there seemed to be more than a few at this closing cycle of time. Year’s end are always and interesting time and this year had a lot more oomph to it because it’s also the end of a decade. I seemed to be getting an even deeper Rotor-Rooter effect this year than in times past. The absolute best way I’ve found to bring me back to myself now is to simply stop and take a deep breath and ask, “What is true for me now?” This is a recommendation from the Eloheim/Guardians/Visionaries as channeled by Veronica, who contributes the quote that will be the foundational energy for this year as found on the bottom of this webpage.
And as I invited in my Divine Essence each day to join me in this life, to be in my body and mind, to play with my experiences and see what the hell I’ve been dealing with all this time, I slowly began to feel more and more grounded and at ease. This is one of the guiding energies and experiences that Kuthumi talks about in the audios… you will find more inner peace and tranquility when you invite in your divinity and allow yourself to receive what is yours in the first place.
As the year slowly ground down to the final hours I allowed myself to release resistance to the energies around me and to receive without agenda and expectation and judgment. Receiving is what the balanced feminine energy does. And the more of my own divine energies that I allowed myself to receive, the easier it got to be. The more of my own balanced masculine energies I was able to actualize, the safer it felt to be receiving. The turning of the tide and the winding down of the clock became a massive letting go of the old and into the limbo of the zero point I moved.
From this place of being finished with the old and ready to dream and live my life for me again, I began to make choices for myself of what I desire for the rest of my life. I talked to my Pakauwah and sent him out and about exploring potentials and bringing them back to me to play with. A picture began to form of where I’m going from here and as I felt into the energy of each one I allowed myself to choose those potentials that felt the best to me.
This year of 2010 for me, is all about the actualization of the choices. Of finally seeing the physical representation of all the damn hard work that’s been done on the inner planes. With the melding of the Divine Essence comes the melding of the inner self (feminine) with the external self expression in the physical (masculine) and all together they begin to sing a new song of unification and Mastery.
Initially when all these energies were coming together there was a fair amount of distrust between them. I had an interesting experience of my body vocally acting as the voice of the feminine talking to the masculine and then being the voice of the masculine talking to the feminine. Each had their turn sharing their grievances and distrusts and also having the spotlight without judgment to talk about their desires and dreams. It was lovely and easy and after that there was a coming together with the Inner Child to begin the formation of my own energetic family. All coming together in a wonderful kind of harmony to begin creating the foundation for my new life.
So what do I choose for 2010? I am choosing to move, to leave this area. I have retrieved back all the forgotten and forsaken aspects that were here to be picked up. I have completed everything that my soul desired for me to do here.
I am choosing to be open to a new relationship with a partner who is balanced and at peace with his own energies and as free of emotional baggage as is possible. A laughing man, as I have seen him in my dreams. A man to share my ascension journey as a supporting, manifesting, technical guru as I step into a greater expansion of my own potentials.
I began the action (actualization) to move in the directions that I desire to go by now offering an audio response via the Ask A Question. By being able to do an audio response more energies can be brought through for people and activated and shared via my voice. No matter how much practice I get, I still only type about 70wpm! I can talk a lot faster than I can type. J
A very important piece of the melding of my energies has been in regards to toning and speaking from a new place of my being with my voice. Several times now Adamus has recommended toning and also talks about how to use toning to work with water, which I also do. I do the toning as this activates a soul connection center in my throat/thyroid/thymus area that helps to open the channels for more information to flow to me and through me. I do this as part of the preliminary setting of energies before doing an audio response to a question. It’s fun and interesting and you never know what a being is waiting to share with you!
I have been perceiving some interesting energies and potentials in regards to the earth where I am choosing to move this spring. I will write about that later. There is a deva that is waiting for me to show up in the physical and then she will share more information with me. There is a potential for some earth balancing and awakenings to be done in the new area and I am excited to explore this. My timeframe for a move is approximately April-May.
I am choosing that 2010 be the year that my own dreams take a priority, in my reality. While it’s interesting to temporarily go into the reality of another, it doesn’t feel good to live there, nor would I ever want to do so again. This is my year to take care of me and to have my potentials begin to be actualized and to step into the physical expression of a Divine Human with a melded expression. Body, mind, spirit, divinity and soul essence all coming together in this one body.
What are the infinite possibilities??!!
Feelings January 20, 2010
Almost 20 years ago I began my internal work on myself via psychotherapy, seeking answers to some very specific events happening in my life. I wanted to know what made me so afraid to be around a man who was essentially sexually harassing me. I also wanted to know why I would almost freeze whenever he came around and I would then feel helpless to say anything to him to make him back off. I was never raised that it was ok to stand up for myself so learning how to do that is a whole other story.
During my psychotherapy, when I began to explore the energies behind my fear, the portals to feelings began to open. And when they did, I thought for sure that I would die from feelings. I cried absolutely every day for a whole year. My soul mate/husband at the time said that he couldn’t take anymore and didn’t want to live another year with me. We always had renewed our relationship one year at a time so when he said this to me the feelings of this were simply more fuel on the fire of feeling into my life. I was given a wonderful book during that year of intense pain, called “Circle of Stones” A Woman’s Journey to Herself, by Judith Duerk, and it made a huge difference for me. I was able to look at the tears in a new way, an empowering way in that they are polishing the stones of my personal foundation, and I slowly learned not to fear them.
The best part of the psychotherapy experience was learning that feelings will not kill me. Oh, I may hurt like a son of a bitch for a time, but I won’t die. I also learned that if I simply allow myself to feel and cry it out in release then the hurt feelings will go away quicker. It’s still not easy for me to truly allow myself to feel in depth, yet I don’t run and hide from my feelings and my sensitivities like I have in the past. I learned to trust that the tears and heartache have their own purpose and ultimately they do serve me.
With the endless years of 24/7 work on myself and the healings, clearings and releasings, my feelings have become much more prominent and close to the surface, and my sensitivities to other people has increased. You might even say that I “feel” everything around me and then some! You might think that it would be the opposite, that the more I clear myself and come to clarity that the less I would feel and resonate with what’s happening with other people… NOT!
This last Saturday I was receiving a channel with my friend Rosanne and some deep, deep energy came up for me with a depth of pain and heartache that shocked the shit out of me with their intensity! I later discovered a few things about this day and those energies and I’m still somewhat struggling to come out from under the “feelings” of it all. The more I breathed into them and allow myself to cry the more they come in… like a river of pain and sorrow and hurt and my heart is an open door to moving it on out.
I discovered my mother’s deepest pain, her greatest wounding, which I had taken on from her energetic body while in her womb. The first 3 years of a child’s life they are virtually indistinguishable energetically from the mother. So what is hers then becomes the child’s and it can take a lifetime to sort these things out. And when you add in the experience of creating and manifesting this deep wounding of another in your own life and then can’t figure out why it doesn’t clear, it can get really frustrating and eventually heartbreaking when you don’t get results. You just can’t heal/clear/release something that ultimately you took on from someone else… you can only heal yourself.
On this Saturday I went into the feelings like I was a shattered vessel and they went deep. Deeper actually than anything I’d ever really gone through since that initial opening so many years ago. This was stabbed in the heart, hate yourself and wonder what is wrong with you kind of stuff. This was small child in the crib feeling abandoned and as my mother was the 9th child of 11 it was about being ignored, overlooked, never having any energy or attention fed to her by her parents. Leaving her with terrible self-esteem and fragmented.
What I didn’t know at the time I went into this energy was that at that time there was a special Angels-Only channel being done with Adamus. He took the group through the opening of a portal between this reality and those other realms where the storehouses and warehouses of those great and wonderful creations live. You know, the ones that never make it into this reality. The abundance, the relationships and so on. There was also a solar eclipse on the 15th, a new moon, and the ending of Mercury Retrograde. To read more about this huge opening of energies, see Karen Bishops, “The Shift of January 15 and the Meaning of the Haiti Earthquake”. This is one of her better WINGS reports.
This opening was felt by my body as a fracturing of my heart energies. I felt a pouring in of energy that day and all I could do was cry, deep sobbing is actually more like it... I felt a shattering to such an extent that I thought I really would die this time. All I could do was go to bed and lie there and cry some more. I was greatly taken out of myself for a period of a couple of hours, totally dead to the world in a weird sleep state. And when I finally woke up that night all I could do was cry some more. You know you’ve dived deep when the sobs are akin to how a baby cries, the whole body experience with shaking and difficulty getting your breath.
There are many ways of moving and releasing energies and I’m not saying that crying is necessarily the way to go. It’s simply one of the ways that this body releases energies that run deep. It’s perhaps something that we learn as babies and carry with us always. I can cry easily when I feel overwhelmed and unable to release in other ways and when the energies are released then I stop.
It’s when it’s that deep, heart fracturing energy that I find myself going into deep despair along with it. The no-one-loves-me-I’m-all-alone energy is what hurts me the most. And we all have our own triggers and sore spots, that’s mine for sure.
Adamus talked about Haiti and the energies being released and Shaumbra having the choice of what to do with this energy in our lives, if anything. Most Shaumbra are quite gifted at transmuting the energies of others, especially negative energies, although that’s not what we’re here to do anymore. The time of taking on the energies of others and transmuting it is long gone even though it feels alive and well at times.
What I am struggling with now within myself is all about feelings. I am very sensitive to the thoughts and emotions of other people and I have those times when it’s too raw and I want to leave this earth. With the increasing earth activations and releasings of old energy from the earth, which is going to be increasing over the next three years, there are going to be more and more yucky energies coming into the mass consciousness. I’m not sure how I “feel” about trying to live my life with these energies around me. There are great potentials for more global meltdown and what does that mean for people out there… faith that all is well in the long run, or great fear of the future and of the unknown?
It’s this piece that has me wondering if I will ever come to a place where I can easily allow these intense fear-based energies to simply move around me rather than taking up room within my feelings. I just don’t seem to be there yet and I wonder if I’m running out of time to get a grip on being able to do this. Breathing definitely helps as does being always aware of what is my energy and what belongs to someone else.
With this heart opening experience from the group channel on Saturday, I am currently feeling like I’m having a constant heart attack, which it very well might be. I feel hopelessness and despair and none of it is mine!! Haven’t we been hearing for years now to go into the feelings to discover our truth? All this is doing for me today is to give me a glimpse of what it was like for me as a small child to be so open and receptive and to be living with energy stealers, broken souls and fragmented feminine energies along with angry, frustrated and often terrifyingly violent expressions from the masculine energy. Am I up for more of the same or am I on my way to finding the key within myself to being grounded in the knowing that I am always safe and it’s just feelings after all.
And at least I do know that feelings won’t kill me… they just are what they are.
Intermission February 6, 2010
While I am on my way to the land of my dreams, I am still in transition to get there. That is to say that I’ve left the land of my birth and ancestry and have travelled down the road a ways. I will be where I live currently for approximately one to two months or less as I create it all, and then I will once more be on my way west. I have moved about 100 miles south of where I was and a bit west.
My dream is to return to Central Oregon where the energies of my heart lie. When I left there 11 years ago it felt like I was being banished and while I’ve tried a couple of times since then to get back it just hasn’t worked out. I have a far better understanding of the why’s and wherefores now and I also know that I now have the passion and desire needed to be the wind under my wings to move on and actually manifest what I am now only dreaming about.
Transitions for me are a mixed bag of feelings and energies. For the most part, I just love to leave! I love to leave a place, an experience, a residence, a job, doesn’t matter, I just love leaving! Because leaving means completion and something new will be along shortly. So when things rapidly came together for me (and roommate) to leave the land where my ancestors’ bones lay I knew that I was totally finished with all the reasons that I was in Idaho to begin with! Finally!!!
I had collected all the fragments and aspects of myself and cleared, released, pummeled, prodded, coerced, forced, head-butted, convinced all those stuck old ancestral energies that it was time to leave the earth and move on. No more cords, no more roles and identities, no more old energy life.
A really big sign of this nearing completion for me was in October when my grandmother’s house was demolished. I didn’t’ even know that it had been sold until I drove by one day and saw a big hole in the ground where it used to sit. I had to stop and chat with the guy on the bulldozer who was having so much fun in that hole.
The house, which was one of those 1940’s brick, really small two bedroom houses with a basement, had sold for around $750,000. Un-fucking-believable!! The place was built originally for around $12,000. Wow. The woman who bought it wanted to change the direction of her driveway and the house sat right smack in the middle of where she wanted her new entry way to be.
As I stood there talking to the demolition guy, who was delightful, by the way, I could feel the old energies dissipating and also how appropriate it was that I had stopped by. Clearing out my ancestral energies was a big part of why I was still living in the area and what a prime opportunity that was to move some stuff. I greatly disliked my grandmother and hated visiting her in that house. I greatly enjoyed that it was being demolished and good riddance, too. Quite a symbol of the old energies leaving and making way for new.
Once that was done I felt a huge lightening of my load, so to speak, and I began to realize that I could actually leave the area now anytime and it would be just fine. So I began to put that out there and within a short period of time work dried up for my roommate and things got tight and slowly we were shoved out of the valley. One of the things that I love so much about leaving is that it’s never ambiguous for me… when it’s time my universe makes sure that I know it! LOL!!
Right now I’m sitting once again in the living area of the motorhome and when I look out the window I can see for miles! What a novel thing and so much appreciated thing. Several years ago Adamus made the statement that going into the next generations it would become more and more important to have physical space around us without other people so close by and I totally relate to that. I have finished with the experience of living in apartments and condos and now I will do the motorhome or house thing for a residence. I am happiest when I have lots of space around me and open space out the window. I am more comfortable living alone than with someone.
I have been listening to the latest Adamus channel several times and actually have some light dawning for me in some specific areas. I finally gave myself permission to be finished with various experiences and they are slowly leaving my life. One of these is the experience of living in someone else’s reality, something that I’ve been doing with my roommate so as to understand Aspectology better. I choose to be finished with that experience. His reality is a lot more trauma and drama than mine and has a whole lot more fear in it. Sometimes I wonder how he functions…
I gave myself permission to be finished with the experience of being so hypersensitive to the energies of others as well. What I have been finding that is strange and almost old school yet works really well now is I simply stop and ask myself if there’s anything that I need to do about what I’m feeling or especially, worrying about. People’s thoughts are mostly like a gerbil on a wheel or a hamster going around and around and getting nowhere, yet in their heads nonetheless. So I ask myself if there’s anything I can actually do about whatever it is that I’m stressing over, fearing over, worrying over and what have you. And of course, the answer is always no.
So then I just let it all go. “What is true for me now?” “Is any of this mine to deal with?” Nada. Deep breath and let it go.
I have had a sufficiency of intense experiences over the last 10 years years and I can honestly say that I’m done with those. Ok, I’ve surfed the waves of intensity and especially judgment and fear to great heights and depths. And along the way it completely stole all my joy and passion from me, leaving me depressed and quite energetically low.
With the completion of my ancestral and aspectral integrations I am slowly recovering some of that life affirming energy that is more me. I used to greet each day with joy and laughter and feel totally grounded in the knowing that no matter what came my way I was always ok. I lost that along this crazy journey and it’s now making my way back to me. Part of this was from living in another person’s reality and getting lost there. Sure, that’s an interesting talent and ability to be able to do that and it’s also what it’s like to live multi-dimensionally. Yet, you have to have a home base to come back to, that energy where you know who you are and what is real and true for you. I lost that totality for a long time, glimpsing only bits and pieces here and there, and actually thought that I’d have to kill myself to ever get free again.
I am finding life coming back to me, slowly as yet, like the sun coming out on a cloudy day, the hints of spring coming back into my life. I am remembering what I like about my life and I am allowing myself to choose that. I am remembering joy in my life and I am allowing myself to have it. I have put in my time with others and have a grand library of experiences to share with others when I come to that part of my life where I teach or counsel or whatever. I don’t have to live those experiences any more though. I like to think of it as… I don’t have to get down in the gutter anymore to relate to someone who lives there.
And so during this time of intermission and more transition I am holding my dreams foremost in my own heart and mind. I take time to imagine what I desire and to feel the energy of all of it. I ask myself fairly often, “What do I want?” and then I listen for the answers. It all helps to keep me on track and also to keep me in my own reality.
And what are the infinite possibilities that exist there?!
I Need Some Help! February 9, 2010
Asking for help from others has never been easy for me. I carry a lot of family baggage in regards to this and it’s never really gotten any easier or better for me. I’ve been badly burned by other people who have attached energy cords of feeding and agenda to me when they try to “help” me and it’s just something that comes hard for me. I’ve had to walk through the last 11 years from a place of doing things by myself and it’s difficult to change that programming and ask for help even when I desperately need it right now. Years ago I was disinherited from my biological family and the stigma of that banishment by my father has made it such that any biological “family” that I actually have are absolutely unwilling to help me in any way. I could be lying in the street starving and they would just walk on by and go on to church.
Asking for help on this journey has always felt like admitting to being a failure, yet as there are no right or wrong energies or actions, how can anything be a failure? Who the hell is out there judging me other than myself?! Is being on the brink of desperation a bad thing for a Standard? Who cares! I just don’t know anymore and the push-me-pull-me of this whole situation taking place in my life right now is making me a bit nuts. I’ve done the work! I’ve already had this experience of massive poverty and lack, losing absolutely everything that I loved and cared about along the way and I keep choosing and commanding something else rather than to go through any of it again!
Yet I am also participating in and being a witness to the experience of poverty and lack that is flowing and manifesting from the reality of the guy I live with… being a witness to his experience of living his greatest fear from his childhood (of poverty and lack. Losing his home etc.) so as to bring home those lost and forgotten aspects. I spend a great deal of time behind the short wall observing this and still there are those times when the waves of fear inundate me is enough to break my heart and spirit. I try to listen to my I AM telling me that all is well but my little human is screaming in fear and becomes paralyzed from it at times. I just can’t go through much more of this… breathing, breathing…
We, the First Wave of Shaumbra, have made it through everything it took to get to this point, to clear the path and find the way. Those in our close, personal lives who have been waiting for us to arrive on firm ground are now going to begin their own journey. Remember what it was like in the beginning? To suddenly have the ground beneath your feet vanish and “on the way to ascension I lost everything” start to happen?
How do you keep from getting sucked under when this happens to the person who is the financial source in the family? This is a question that’s going to be coming up for many of us now. How do you keep from getting sucked under by those in your family when they begin to do this journey and the trauma and drama suddenly surface in great waves and expressions that seem to take over the whole existence?
This is what I’m struggling with and I don’t have any answers for how to share multiple realities when they are so greatly disparate in expression and experience without getting lost along the way! It is only the I AM that remains constant from one reality to the next and at this point I can’t even begin to imagine what life will be like when we are flowing between the other 11 realities that we inhabit!
So, because my financial situation is now so dire I am asking for financial help from my spiritual family.
Two weeks ago we got evicted from our apartment as work had completely dried up and no money was coming in for the several months before that. This dynamic never changed over that period of time and now the hole that we’re in has just gotten bigger. We may even lose the very motorhome where we’re living.
I need some financial help to get through this time of transition. I am asking for those who read my blogs, who check out my website and find their own help, to now help me if they feel guided to do so. I have a page where donations via my PayPal can be made and believe me, anything will help right now!
Perhaps you’d like to buy a book. This would be a great time to do that. How about Asking A Question or requesting a chat session? Anything and everything would be so very much appreciated! We have no money coming in right now and things are quickly approaching being desperate. Without money showing up in the next day or so we will have to leave this RV park and that level of uncertainty feels so overwhelming to me right now. At some point this whole poverty/just enough/lack has got to end!!
And if you have any insights or suggestions for me, I’d love to hear them, especially from those who are gifted visionaries who can read timelines. J How long will this experience last before my shouts of commanding the energies are heard?! This is so NOT what I keep choosing to experience!
I do the abundance and let loose of stuck energy dance every day. I tone and I choose to be finished with this bullshit… I do recognize that I am nearly at the end of sharing this experience with the guy I share my life with and I do trust myself that we will get through it.
I just need a little help right now and I’m giving myself permission to ask.
Update February 11, 2010
Wooeee!!! I can't begin to describe
the shifts that occurred almost non-stop since I posted the previous
blog and gave myself permission to ask for help. It was hours of
living a strange reality with tons of fear and then slowly it all
dissipated only to come back in smaller waves (hopefully the
receding tsunami) since then. I'm sure that those dear angels
sending me their best wishes and energy had a big part in helping me
with this to get out of the way and let the experience happen to
it's completion. So much changed for me since the day before that yesterday I actually visited my brother, with whom I used to be really close and have been estranged from for over 6 years. It was that spiral circle of ascension that made it come around again that we could connect and this time in a new way. Very interesting...
When my father died he left a small fortune each to three of six children. Those three kids have had their entire lives changed by this experience and they remain imprisoned in that control/manipulation energy to this day that came from the Living Trust created by my father to control his money after his death.
I did not get placed in that energetic prison of my fathers legacy/trust/will and the difference between my life and my siblings is kind of scary… instead I’ve made my way alone without the financial assistance that had so much agenda attached.
Yesterday there was a strange melding of realities happening for me and I’m not at all clear on what happened. For years now I’ve had parallel realities unfolding and it somehow feels like they merged yesterday. Today I have the headache from hell and still waves of fear flowing around me, yet we’ve made a choice to move to another physical location that feels a whole lot lighter for me and hopefully the majority of the fear that I’m perceiving will clear altogether.
In her latest WINGS post “Moving Into Our New Spaces” Karen Bishop wrote some interesting things about the last week or so that I found fascinating. The bolding is mine:
“…Last Thursday, February 4th, we had yet another shift, and although these shifts feel very unpleasant when they occur, they are none-the-less creating their original intentions…the purpose being to move us into a very new space, and then align with that new space and way of being and living. …
…In addition, this shift on Thursday and Friday created yet another sort of split, as some energies went one way, and other energies went another. There will indeed be rungs of differing vibrational frequency in the new reality, and these powerful movements are simply moving things into their true and rightful positions and spaces. Order is being created, and this is how it should be. If we were somewhere we should not have been, we were moved back. If we needed to move forward, we were moved forward. If we needed to shift out of one space and into another, no matter in which direction that took us, the energies during this time accomplished this task. All with divine perfection. …”
“…Yesterday, February 9th, brought in yet another wave of seeming darkness and a deeper alignment. We are moving through old layers still within us, and at the same time, our outside reality is adjusting and re-calibrating with great intensity. Things are moving into position, are being set up, and are connecting together, as the next layer of the new grid comes into form. In this way, at pivotal times we must stay back and allow this to occur. Strange dreams at night (about how and where we had fit into the old reality, as we are now releasing these old spaces during dreamtime), needing to sleep more often and more deeply, and needing more fuel, are indicators of this process.
We are aligning at very deep levels now. We are connecting to a new inner strength and power, and this can take a toll on a human body and spirit. And as always, exhaustion and fatigue play a major part when we are moving massive amounts of energy within ourselves.
And during these times as well, we may not be able to see the forest for the trees, as seeing through a filter of the density that is shifting makes everything look dark and gloomy, if even for a brief time. …”
I want to be a turtle Mr. Wizard!!
One thing I’ve totally come to know beyond a shadow of doubt is that when I’m deep in the fear nothing will flow for me, especially abundance. Breaking down those warehouse doors means trusting myself that all is well in every damn single moment!! And things are more often than not, totally not what they appear to be! Gah!!
P.S. - I deeply apologize to those who have sent me emails via this website and had them bounce. The transition from being online to not being online was so quick that I was unable to update any information on this site.
Notes from the Territories March 14, 2010
I use the word “territories” in this blog now because for one, I’m reading another Stephen King novel and it’s a word that he uses quite wonderfully to describe an in-between place, neither here nor there. It also is quite descriptive for me of where I’m currently living as I’m outside or in-between one city and the next and I’m traveling towards my destination, wherever that might ultimately be.
I have left the old place, the land of my birth and upbringing and I am now heading towards a new life, all the while still releasing much of the old that is lingering overlong, like a guest that’s stayed too long that’s being ushered towards the door as we speak. Each day brings me closer to leaving on the next leg, car packed and cat in carrier, yet for each step forward there is at times a partial step backwards. Flowing in expansion ways it is though, and that alone is wonderful to perceive.
It’s strange to realize that the only way I know the date now is to see what pops up in my word processor when I type in March. The time has taken on a flow that makes one day very much like another, especially as where I’m living has already moved into more spring like weather all the while the snow still lies on the mountains in the distance. Were I still in the home country I would look out the window and see piles of snow in the yard. Here I look out and see green grass… makes it hard to truly determine the date.
I continue to be without Internet and little opportunity to send out periodic notes. I sometimes imagine this as sending out smoke signals from the prairie which continues my dream analogy of a wagon train journey to the west. I have a Conestoga wagon with “Oregon or Bust!” written on the side in gigantic red letters and that’s my dream. I also do not have television and surprisingly, this has been lovely. I have been surprised at the lessening of distractions in my day and how much it has clarified my own energies for me.
This interim time has been about more letting go, as if I had not done any letting go before this time! I could say that this might even my third series attempt at letting go of everything and it’s definitely digging deep and scraping the bottom of my totality. The only redeeming factor about it all is that the more I release the more of my own energies, my divinity, flows into me.
Approximately two months ago I was not so gently nudged by Adamus to go back to the “Embodiment Series” and read it again… not listen to it, but to read it in depth. And in doing so I discovered so many things that I had overlooked along the way that have to do with this body. I have had such adventures and amazing self realizations with this series that I am now continuing and am in the “Clarity Series”. Just one of the things that I realized is that in my parallel realities I was exploring “Easy” in one and “Hard” in the other. No more of that now!
Over the last couple of weeks the intense fear has disappeared, thank you Jeane! I have also been able to work extensively on the sensitivity to the energies of others. In choosing and acknowledging that I am an Energy Mover and no longer an Energy Holder it was necessary to make some new choices. This comes from the “Embodiment Series” in case you’re interested.
In this time along the way, so to speak, I am also listening to the New Synchrotize which is about belief systems and letting go of those. I do have to say that I find it quite interesting that the follow-up workshop took place in Lincoln City… OREGON!
Oregon calls to me and I travel there a lot in my dream landscape as well as my imagination. I feel the energy of the potentials of what I’d like to experience, fly over the earth in various locations and it fills my heart. I am choosing to be there this year and let it go as much as I can right now. I feel like I’m traveling in a big covered wagon that’s slowly but surely making it’s way west. My oxen don’t always want to set out in the morning and food isn’t the greatest. I have to boil water for drinking and bathing, and don’t get the laundry done as often as I used to do. Yet the direction continues to be west and into the setting sun which is where my heart is leading me.
At this juncture I could be there within perhaps a month or two of time. I would like to be there by this early summer as I’ve had enough fun with this current experience and it grows old quickly. Patience and trust have been my mainstay for the last 10 years and also dancing with the darkness. It has been that relationship with my darkness that’s determined my path this last ten years and now that the dance is one of unity and integration I can now step into a new experience. One that transcends the expressions of the negative and the hidden, the unwelcomed and the shunned and instead simply be who I truly am in every moment.
Once upon a time I was a very outgoing person and enjoyed being with people and loved to hear the stories that people told. Then I went underground, so to speak, in step with the relationship that I have with the last of the hard rock miner’s in this area, my partner. He is the expression of the negative, the fearful, the doubting and the running around instead of standing in place. The “have to do” rather than the expression of “I AM” and “BE-ing”. He is a great representation of the dark, fearful and unwanted and it’s been one hell of a time bringing this energy into balance.
His personal “mine” and his physical mine (a gold and silver mine) are now coming into expansion and the first part of this is almost finished. I said that I would stay with him until he got his ore processing plant up and running and once the ore is sold he will give me my personal share of the proceeds and I will be on my way. Well, the mill is running and the processing is happening and it’s only a matter of weeks now before my time in this current expression is complete.
I said that I would stay for all of this to happen and stay I’ve done. It’s taken 4 years longer than I thought it would and that sometimes makes me greatly sad. Yet, in those four years I’ve learned a great deal and I will take those experiences with me when I leave. I am absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt committed to leaving and so I choose! This soul agreement was all about this dance with the dark and here at the end of this particular road it all makes sense to me, why it’s taken so long and why it’s also had the twists and turns that it’s had.
“… We’re not telling you that you have to get rid of anything. We’re simply saying, as you give permission, things will change. The things that truly are ready to leave your life will. The things that energetically are needing to be released will then be released. There is not a timetable on this. For some you might notice a difference in weeks or months. For others it may be many years. But, are you willing to do that? …” – EMBODIMENT SERIES SHOUD 9: "Freedom of the Soul; Part IV" - Featuring Adamus Saint-Germain and Tobias, Presented to the Crimson Circle, April 2, 2005
Letting go of absolutely everything and everyone is not as hard as you might imagine that it would be. At some point the Universe, or divine self, whichever is running this show, steps in and takes over to make it all happen, ready or not for the little human. And then, whether the human self wants it or not, the entire foundation of one’s life disappears and you’re left standing in the air. This is leap of faith time and it takes a lot of trust of self to take the steps from this point on. Yet surprisingly, at this point, when you’ve already lost everything that you could possibly lose and let go of, well then, it all becomes so very easy after all. It then becomes the synchronous life and nothing truly matters other than the Point of Presence, which is this moment, this now. All else flows from this moment to all others. Live in that moment and everything is always perfect.
So watch for my wagon as I travel this Oregon Trail. One day I’ll head over the pass and see the valley before me and know that I’m where I truly desire to be and a new life will unfold. I’m excited about the potentials and I’m more than ready to begin!
What are the infinite potentials?!
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jY9dQ8hUi7U&feature=related[/youtube]
Thank You to Shaumbra! March 17, 2010
I am finally back online today after being “disconnected” for about 6 weeks or so… time has totally gotten away from me lately so I’m not quite sure how long it’s been. I didn’t have an opportunity to update my website in any way before losing my connection so I apologize to those who tried to reach me via that route and just got bumped. I now have it all updated and I thank you for your patience.
I wanted to express my deepest gratitude to those ones who stepped forward to offer their financial as well as their emotional and spiritual support when I was in such dire circumstances. You can’t imagine how much your support helped us and I am eternally grateful!! Every little bit does make a difference.
Things are quite a bit better overall right now and each day is easier. There’s a lot of energy all around me and it’s been pretty nice being completely without television and computer. The little town where we’re currently staying doesn’t have easy public access to the internet so I just let it go for this time.
I am now connected via the wireless network where we’re staying and this is all new to me. So bear with me if you write to me and don’t hear anything… working out the cyber bugs.
Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart to those wonderful beings who stepped up to share some love and support with me during a really dark time for me. It made a world of difference, don’t ever think that you don’t matter to someone!! I am going to Pay It Forward at my first opportunity.
Notes from the Territories – Part 2 April 12, 2010
As there are several things to catch up on I thought I’d do another Notes section. The waves of change are coming thick and fast, much like a tsunami followed by aftershocks hitting the beach. All is good, though. All energies serve me now!
About that Hypersensitivity
I’ve written many times about the damn hypersensitivity to the energies around me and how difficult it’s made my life at times. Well, that’s probably been the biggest change in my life lately!
Several weeks ago I had the incredible experience of receiving a message in channel from a friend of mine in Brisbane, Australia named Sinoux Dunlevie. If you're interested in having a channel message from her, her email address is asksinoux@gmail.com and she charges $40AUS. I've had two life changing messages from her and the energies are absolutely amazing!
In my message I was told about
something that I will refer to as the Core Life (past life) and how
I’ve been struggling so much in this reality, this incarnation, to
heal and come to completion with that specific life and what
happened to me in that life. This is like one specific other life
where something tremendous happened and all the judgments of self
were like ripples in a lake going out to affect many, many other
lives. I was told in channel about this Core Life and with that
information about a billion little pieces of my particular life
puzzle fell into place and I walked into a life changing energy. In that life, I was a healer who was unable to save the life of my son. I know the person in this life who was my son in that life and the intensity of my desire to get back to him and help him with everything that I’ve learned since I had to leave him (in this life) 11 years ago, has been a constant tug and pull on my energies, especially my heart. I never felt finished with him, never felt like I was supposed to be anywhere else but with him, never felt that I’d done enough for him, always felt incomplete in so many ways. I wrote extensively about this relationship and how it came to be that I had to leave him in this life, in my book, “Thrown Into the Deep End”. I have to go back and write the epilogue to that book with all the information that I have now!
In that Core Life I was emotionally destroyed from the death of my son. I judged myself so harshly, filled with guilt, shame and blame for not being able to save him. Carried into this life I never felt like I’d done enough for him before I had to leave him to make my own way. It was letting go and leaving him that facilitated my own journey, yet all I wanted to do from every moment since then was to get through what I had to do just to get back to him!
The guilt, shame and blame carried over even into this current relationship that I have now because my roommates gift to me was to keep those programs triggered and activated and literally in my face all the time until I could find the way to forgive myself and begin to let go. This current relationship was about dancing in the darkness of punishing myself for not doing enough, not knowing enough, not healing enough to save my son that took the form of doing everything within my abilities to help my roommate now heal his own aspects and fragmentation in atonement, to the point of almost destroying my sanity at times.
And so, with this channel, energies were delivered to me to begin the process of forgiving myself. My heart opened up and the old programs began to clear and leave me, and in so doing, changed my life forever.
The most immediate change for me was the hypersensitivity went away! This was one of the ways that I was punishing myself… having to feel everything and knowing that there was nothing I could do about what I was feeling, yet having the experience anyway. So my hypersensitivity is now gone and what a freakin’ relief that is!!
The second part of this healing was that I ceased having the experience of feeling compelled to keep doing things for my roommate, even when I really didn’t want to anymore. I keep having those programs of taking care of him get activated and it was not comfortable any longer. It’s one thing to do something for someone when you actually want to, and a whole other thing when you’re doing it because of some programming or compulsion that makes you do it! I was able to simply stop and make the choice that I was finished having the experience of trying to help him integrate his aspects. What he chooses to do now is ultimately his own choice.
Steve Rother (Lightworker.com) has a very interesting webinar about hypersensitivity and it's very though inspiring and helpful. It's called "Self First vs Selfish - A guide for hypersensitivity people"
Commanding the Energies
The latest channels from Adamus are incredibly powerful and they too, are life changing. I highly recommend the “Sounds of the Soul” channels from the trip to Egypt, especially Track 14 when truly the voices of the human angels come through with their divinity and authenticity. I say to you that listening to these channels will literally change your own energies.
Becoming more comfortable commanding the energies of my self and my life each day brings more changes in sometimes subtle ways and sometimes large ways. It’s more about owning my own divinity and coming out of hiding. No longer being driven to heal and clear something from another life and finally being able to make choices that truly empower me in this life.
Breathe, Shake, Tone
I had to laugh when I listened to one of the other Adamus channels, not sure which one, where he talks about breathing and shaking and toning. I had been doing the shaking since late last year but hadn’t added much of the toning to my life. Now toning is a very big part of my life and it’s lovely.
“… We’ve been focusing on the toning here to bring out that inner voice so you can hear it, so you can hear your own inner voice. When you tone, it also clears out any issues or imbalances that you still have within you. Some of you have felt that. Some of you have had discharges from orifices within your body. It’s not because you’re doing anything wrong or because you’re unhealthy, but because you’re releasing those imbalances. And what a beautiful time to do it, right here.
With regular toning, you’re going to keep your body, mind, and spirit in tone – in tone – literally and figuratively. Your physical body is going to stay more toned with toning. Your mind is going to stay more clear with toning. Your spirit will be more present in this reality with toning.
The toning also activates, wakes up and connects to the divine, the spirit within, the “I Am” that is already there and just looking to be brought out.
So as you do your toning these next few days, you’re activating, you’re energizing the “I Am” in this reality. You’ve been working for many years now on activating it in the other realms, but until now you haven’t truly brought it in and activated the “I Am” in this realm.
You’ve been somewhat like a protective parent with your “I Am,” with your divine, not feeling the time was right to bring it in, feeling that your life was too upside down or imbalanced to accept the “I Am” in this reality, believing that there was more you had to study, more you had to practice, and more suffering that you had to do in order to bring it in to this reality. But now it’s here. Now it’s waiting for the tone to activate, to bring it in, to put it into life. …” Adamus, Sounds of the Soul, Track 9
The shaking is just like a dog or cat shaking off water. A full body shake it off. First thing in the morning when I get out of bed I shake. I also now shake other things in my life, like my food or clothes before I get dressed. I also say “Clear!” as I do this.
All of this is about owning Mastery and being conscious that it’s possible to live a more supportive and balanced life… one that comes from conscious choices. I’m no longer just kind of going along and taking whatever comes to me, but making choices and commanding energies that truly do serve me.
Imagination, Feeling, Experience and Choice
The other shift for me is that I am far more comfortable now imagining my reality landscape, walking around and seeing all the various potentials for any given situation or event. I take a bit of a respite every afternoon and dream my dreams in my reality landscape and sometimes explore the future a bit. I feel into the energy of each potential that comes to my awareness, and when a potential resonates with me with that tingling of ah! I make the choice to have that experience. And once that choice is made, then I simply let it go. No second guessing as to whether it “works” or not, no doubt and especially no fear, and no trying to figure out how and when it might come into my life. I am embodying my own Mastery and getting used to how it all works now in this New Energy.
Letting Go of Control
An important piece for me in my life has been letting go of control. I went through another big session of letting go about 6 weeks ago and it was simply more digging deep to get rid of the old yuck. By then I was an old hand at it, so it went easier than it’s gone in the past.
Letting go has been about releasing agenda and expectation. When you choose to have an experience it will come in as your soul decides, or divine will decides. There’s no way my little human can bring me the details of any experience because what’s coming to me now is all new expressions. I make a choice and then in the letting go I am stepping back to allow my own group and runners to bring the details into my reality. I am again painting in broad strokes (Lesson Seven: The Creator Series "Create with Broad Strokes", Presented at the Crimson Circle, February 10, 2001) and above all, finally trusting myself once again.
Trusting My Self
When I say that I am trusting myself this is coming from a completely new place. It comes from a place of absolute faith and zero fear. I know without a shadow of a doubt that whatever comes to me in my life is just about the experience and not as a punishment, or something I did or didn’t do, any fear, shame, blame and so on. Nor is about something that I have to “do” anything about necessarily. I’ve done the work, I’ve integrated and am unifying my aspects with my own divinity and soul, and now this life is going to be all about the experience of the divinity having the human expression. That means feeling what is around me and letting it be.
It’s about not taking anything personally. It’s about the awareness of energies around me that don’t belong to me and simply telling them to keep moving. It’s about being around others, being fully present with myself in that moment, and radiating who I am, free of judgment and agenda. It’s about having the faith to be who I am without fearing any repercussions in any form. It’s about speaking up for myself with my own divine voice.
This now is the time of embodying the Master and it’s all new and interesting. It’s tiny baby steps, still a bit hesitant, yet with every toning and breathing and shaking it gets easier and much more fun! The energies that used to bother me, especially after being in a crowd of people, or in a movie theatre or grocery store or the like, simply move on now without my having to do anything to make them do so. Things are so much easier in my life. Dreams are beginning to come true for me and I am consciously choosing the life that I’d like to explore.
And in each case where I am making a conscious choice, what is coming to me is just a bit better than what I imagined… just a bit easier, just a bit more fun and exciting. And the more comfortable I get with my own creations and manifestations the more I will allow myself to receive. Because I am commanding myself to receive all that I’ve held off allowing myself to receive because I’m finished with punishing myself for having a heartbreaking experience with my son.
That son who was my whole life at another time is a grown man now and he is fine. He is wonderful and he is alive in this life, on his own journey with his own experiences and I don’t need to do anything to fix him or help him in any way. His soul lived on when his physical body died in that Core Life. And I forgave myself for leaving him in this life as he gave me the ultimate gift that he could in that he helped me to let him go by my own choice this time rather than his choice. It was all divine… it just took a really long time for me to come to a place where I was ready to heal this and to accept myself.
What lies ahead for me in Oregon? Lots of wonderful experiences, I’m sure of that. Because that’s what I’m choosing!! And when I’ve finished with those experiences I will choose something else. And something else after that. For this is the life now of simply choosing the experience to explore and when it’s finished or when you’ve had enough of it, to let it all go, to bless it and to move on.
Breathe it in, shake it out, and tone in Mastery!! Woohoo!!
And what are the infinite possibilities??!!
Notes From the Territories – Part 3 May 21, 2010
Subtle Sovereignty The last several weeks have been amazing for me. Insights, pieces to my personal puzzle showing up right and left to be welcomed home with open arms, old energies finally being cut loose from my energy fields, and lessons and experiences coming to completion in easy, fluid ways for the last damn time.
I’ve been working very consciously with my boundaries, my personal space and my energetic boundaries. I’ve been living with a roommate who is a dis-respecter of boundaries so it’s been right in my face, especially lately. This is one of my Life Lessons, as talked about in Steve Rother’s book, “Spiritual Psychology: The Twelve Principle Life Lessons” and reading that book has been a huge catalyst for me as well. The boundaries Life Lesson is under the heading of “Definition”.
This book and the book “Re-member – A Handbook for Human Evolution” also by Steve Rother were shared with me by my friend Diane, who is always there with synchronous sharings along my path. I am deeply grateful to know her! This book is quite basic, which is the intention, yet there’s some great sharings that were wonderful to re-member, even at this stage of the game and surprisingly helpful, too.
With the serious working with my personal boundaries I received the insights about what the hell I’ve been doing with this roommate/ex-husband/client all this time! It was eye opening and astonishing at the same time because in the end it is all so easy and yet it all eluded me all this time! Once I was able to comprehend and do some serious work in this area, I was free of so much old energy!
Another Life Lesson, that I’m in the process of exploring, is “Creation” which is about actually manifesting your dreams and desires. My entire life has been about creating for others, allowing my energies to be utilized by others for their personal gain and empowerment and I’ve done very little for myself… especially over the last 11 years. So now this time is about me, taking care of me and turning my creation energies to my betterment, my benefit, to manifest my dreams and desires and abundance.
And in this melding of completions and releasings, I am finding an entirely new relationship with myself! Each day is a tiny step towards personal freedom and sovereignty and it’s truly the most wonderful experience thus far in this last 12 years! Every day I feel better, more whole, less sensitive to the energies of anyone else. I have an inner peace that fills my days and nights and it’s always there… sometimes more fully than others, yet it’s there!! I no longer have to give myself permission to take care of me because it’s happening more and more automatically. And the stronger my personal boundaries become, the easier it is to simply live in the moment.
So this subtle sovereignty is happening now and it feels so incredibly good! Kind of like living in a meditative after state of peace and tranquility. And when I do get a bit pulled out of true by the energies around me it’s much easier to come back to me. I immediately stop and breathe deeply and choose to let it all go.
I do take a fair amount of time with myself to dream and imagine. I play in my landscape reality with potentials and dance with what comes to me. I am not making any hard and fast choices right now about anything, because the energies to fully support that are not quite in place as yet. A really terrific message that talks about some of the things happening during this time now is “Breaking Free or Cutting Loose?” by Lauren C. Gorgo, her May 19, 2010 blog. I highly recommend this one!
Endings and New Beginnings
We are still in a kind of build-up to some big changes on tap for June, so many of us are looking at our options, so to speak. There have been some surprising endings and I can totally relate to this. It’s been a damn long journey and it wasn’t supposed to take this long!
If you haven’t read it, check out Karen Bishop’s “The End of WINGS and the Death of the Old”. So many of us are simply worn out by this journey and are ready to step back and take care of ourselves now. And the great thing, is that this is possible… finally!!! There are more and more others who are stepping forward to pick up the slack, tack on the burdens and stride off. And that means a lessening of struggle energies, striving energies, and especially of taking care of others energy.
There’s a great potential for a new life ahead. It all depends upon what one is willing to receive. Many of us are so worn out that the platitudes and encouragement just rolls right off at times. For me though, I no longer pay attention to the encouragement because I don’t need it. I have an inner peace and tranquility that comes from the melding with my soul essence that tells me that all is well… all the time. I know that there is a new life ahead of me and it’s going to be one heck of a lot easier than this one has been!
Mostly, it’s there because I’m ready to finally receive it. I have let go of doing this journey by myself, relatively that is. And while I fully look forward to actually living with myself and having my time completely to myself, that just sets me up with a grand foundation to be available in new ways to others. I look forward to walking and meeting people in the stores and such, volunteering at the library and things like that. Getting to know my new community when I get there and living each day with the inner peace that is here now because I’ve actually finished what I came here to do!
I have been feeling that there is a period of time as yet for those of us on the borders of retiring from this service work before we would be nudged to step out more fully into a receptive world. Perhaps as long as two years, who knows at the rate that people are shifting and changing. All I know is that I’m feeling more and more every day like I’m on vacation and I intent to stretch that out as long as I can! Woohoo!!
Grounding the Energies
With so much new energy coming into the earth right now my poor body has been taking a beating. I’ve been experimenting with ways to make this an easier process and again, it’s kind of simple. I do the Adamus recommended dance of Breathe-Shake-Tone when I get up in the morning and throughout the day. I also drink lots of water at various temperatures. I eat many meals rather than one or two heavy ones and I listen to what my body wants in that moment.
A new suggestion that came from a recent Steve Rother workshop, “Triality” is about doing the Kegel Exercises to ground the energies in the lower body. We have trouble staying grounded because lately it’s been mostly about being spiritual and being in the head, so this one is a great help to stay connected to the earth. You’d be surprised at how much this helps!
More than anything else, the greatest thing I can do for myself is to be aware of what’s going on around me and within. The more clear I am with myself the more clear my outer world becomes and the easier it is to just let go of everything that doesn’t belong to me. And while my mind put up a strenuous fight full of doubt and control and didn’t want to trust my divinity, it finally gave up and I am remembering how to live in full trust of what comes to me in every moment… once upon a time I actually lived like that!
And what are the infinite possibilities?!!
|
|
"... No one can force you to RSVP and no one can force you to show up but the invitation has been sent out and the invitation is that you, knowing your complete self, experience your complete selves—we don’t have a word for it, isn’t that interesting…just a moment—infusement, there, that one will work. Your complete self infusing your day-to-day life. Your complete self infusing your day to day life. Bringing the truth of you into the experience of your physicality, of your ability to inhabit the physicality, of your ability for the inhabited physicality to experience the Earth. And for your ability for the inhabited physicality experiencing earth to have relationship with those who also inhabit Earth. ..." - Eloheim and The Visionaries, channeled by Veronica ~ 11-4-09 Sonoma, CA
© Copyright. Jeane R.
Pothier. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License. |
