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2007
Collisions and Heartquakes January 13, 2007
The most recent shoud was from Adamus, St. Germaine taking about the New Energies and collisions involving the new energies and the old energies and even new energies colliding with new energies. Whatever the dynamic of the energy type when energies come together they can be a blending of ease and joy or they can go to the other extreme that creates a massive shifting and releasing within the being and the body that bring about life changes.
As we go into the embodiment of the New Energies this year, there is no room anymore for those energies that don’t serve us, that perhaps are hindering us in some way, that are not of a vibrational match within our 4-body system. I don’t know about anyone else, but this last month and half of my life has been about seeking those mis-matches out and coming to terms with them and finding forgiveness before releasing them. Sometimes this takes the form of a collision and sometimes it takes the form of a massive Heartquake.
I have held a secret dream for myself for the last 8 years. It’s a dream that’s kept me alive in times of the most horrendous changes. It’s been the foundation of the motivation that I’ve had to keep going when all I really wanted was to lay down in the road and give up. It’s just kept me taking one step at a time with myself.
This dream was the hope that one day I would be able to go back home to my beloved, the man that I was married to for 17 years. I didn’t wish to part from him when I did, but I knew that I had to take this journey by myself as that was what my soul was determining for me. It hurt me unlike anything else I’ve ever experienced in my life to leave that life with him, but I did it. And I kept that secret hope alive in my heart that perhaps, if the stars lined up once again in this lifetime, that I would find him again when I had finished this journey and see if we could once more have that life together.
I have been carrying this energy in my heart all this time. And it doesn’t serve me anymore. It’s a dream that is true for me no longer, for I discovered this last week that he’s moved on… wwaaaaaayyyyy moved on. I was given the opportunity to experience his new energies, his new identity of himself with someone else, and the knowing then came to me that he would not be a good fit for me energetically, not the “Me” who I am now.
The ending of that dream, the collision of those energies of the old me and the old him versus the new me and the new him, created a massive Heartquake within me. I thought that I was really going to die this time as I moved into that place of letting him once more for good this time, and my dearest dream go as well. It took a massive collision of energies to create the Heartquake that would blast those energies out of my heart for good. It hurt like a sonofabitch, I thought I was having a real heart attack and I am still reeling from it.
Adamus stated it in the recent shoud this way:
"...The collision of energies causes some very interesting things to happen. It causes the two separate elements to have to reassess themselves. ..."
Any of those old dreams and those old identities of myself that I’ve been carrying anywhere in this physical body just don’t work anymore. So much of my life was about calibrating the identity of myself in relation to another person, seeing myself through another’s eyes, living my life based upon what another determines for me to be and do.
There’s no room for those identities and ways of being now! They are getting blasted out of me right and left now and I’m damn tired. And I’m left with a feeling like I’m standing in the air with no discernible foundation underneath me. Oh, I have the foundation all right, I just can’t see it right now.
What has been really interesting for me is that while in the midst of the collisions that I’ve been bringing to myself I’ve had the energy of the cheerleader Kuthumi next to me encouraging me to go into the asking of a New Way to see this or that experience or to use my own knowing of what New Way to ask for clarity. For example, I’ve been asking the following:
“Is there a New Way for me to do this releasing of the old energies without it being so painful for me?”
“Is there a New Way to look at what just happened that will bring me a measure of peace with it all?”
“Is there a New Way for me to look at my life now as an expression of ME rather than as a subset of whomever I’m with at the time?”
And so on. I’ve also felt the grand compassionate energy of Quan Yin asking me… And now what?
When an old dream dies it takes a bit of time to get your feet back under you again. I’d held that dream of finding that life I loved and had to leave for so long that I don’t really have anything right now to replace it with, and I supposed that that’s the idea. I am really living my life one day at a time and not even trying to figure out a future for myself anymore. I’ve gone into a place now of more trusting myself that at any given moment I will have what I need to know to make a choice for myself. And in each moment I already do have all that I need.
How does it get any better than that? What are the infinite possibilities?
Bloodline Cleansing January 24, 2007
Sometime the last week of December, during a conversation that I was having with Rosanne Dourado and the Prophet Mohammed, it was suggested to me that I allow myself to do a 31 day Bloodline Cleansing. What this is about for me is the final steps of the genetic, ancestral and even soul lineage transmuting of the old energy and moving into a place of total and complete balance and unity. The culmination of the massive personal, energetic work that I’ve been doing for a whole lotta years now! If you feel a resonance with this for yourself, I highly recommend that you give yourself the gift of this process!
Eventually this will potentially lead to the Unification of God/Goddess, Father/Mother, All That Is as well. Here's a small excerpt that talks about that:
"...
Before many of you came into this lifetime, you agreed to be the bearers
of the gentle, sweet energy of the Goddess. Yes, many in the male body,
as well as those in the female body, agreed to allow the energy of the
Goddess to overlight them so that they would become the examples for
others to see, and hopefully, to emulate. As a result, it is no longer
so radical for the male in a family to be the one who is the nurturer
and caretaker of the young ones. Many brave men are allowing their
gentle side to emerge as they begin to express their feelings and
acknowledge their emotional nature. The difference between the male
psyche and the female psyche is narrowing as each begins to integrate
the masculine or feminine aspects of Self. On the opposite side, many
born in the female body agreed at a soul level to integrate and allow
their male side to take dominance, thereby becoming more active out in
the world of business, service and government. While playing their
feminine role, they are also assertively making their mark in other
areas of endeavor which were, heretofore, the exclusive domain of the
male population. It is one more aspect of the integration that is
taking place on many
Anyway... that's where I’m headed. This process now over the 31 days is the greatest transition I personally can do to get out of duality and polarity, to completely step out of the Old Energy and into the New. It's not possible to take any of the Old with us into the New so this is the final clearing house process now. Doesn't that feel good to hear?! I am getting there!!!! From where I am now, it's working, too!!!!
In the channel of Lord Kuthumi by Michelle Eloff called, "The Big Let Go" it states:
And at the end of that cleansing time I am going through a ceremony or graduation for myself that will essentially put completion to this transition and birth a new Me. This ceremony is a major part of this so I’ve been having fun thinking about what I'll do. I’ve been told that there are VERY few who have done this, so this is really, really special for me. The ceremony will be a final letting go of the old and will also bring in some new activations and attributes that would only be available to me after this massive clearing.
The first week to ten days of this process was all body stuff. Detoxing in a big way. This whole time I've been very aware of the cellular cleansing and clearing going on and there's been some interesting energies that have come up for release. This process is the clearing of the genetic, DNA layers of overlays and imprints, programs and so on. I also had body aches and my hips would go in and out of balance as I was integrating the feminine energies that have been so disempowered in my lineage. I had days where I was not even present mentally and days where my whole body was vibrating in an interesting way. Spaciness doesn't even begin to describe it. I would sit down to breathe for a moment and find that an hour had gone by... :-)
It is a massive transformation that leads to the implementation of the Crystalline body. The channels by Celia Fenn and Archangel Michael talk about this here: http://www.starchildascension.org/starchild/bodytwo.html Take a good look at the picture in the top right of the aura... that's what I’ve been told mine will look like a month or so from now. :-) !
What I had to do right from the first was get out of my own way. I had to let go of analyzing or over thinking what I was feeling and perceiving and simply allow it to be what it is. This helped so much because every single moment there is something different happening!
The external expression of this process showed in my face right away. I had a huge rash over my throat and breakouts all over. My skin was doing the most releasing here but I felt horrible overall. I did lots of salt baths... The acne was a family dynamic that I'd had to deal with because my father was victimized by his acne as a child and I carried that energy myself because he victimized me with it as well. Just one example of the genetic clearing.
My skin cleared up in the second week or so and now looks fabulous! If this is an indicator of the body balancing happening…. then bring it on!
I was led to add a special Ultra B-12 tonic to my life, along with Apple Cider Vinegar capsules with each meal right from the beginning. Both of these made a huge difference at the cellular level. I also take Metamucil at least once a day to help release and move the toxins that accumulate in the lower intestine and colon. I cut out caffeine almost altogether too. No particular reason… just felt led to do that. I've also added more Vitamin C.
I drink at least two glasses of Nettle tea a day and it's rare that I drink more. I do keep a jar in the fridge for the once in a while late night "fix" that my group might wake me up to take. I have not been drinking extra water... my body hasn't been asking for it. I am always asking my body what it needs to have to be supported with this and it sure tells me. :-)
The Nettle tea is the foundation for this process. Here’s what I’ve learned about this amazing plant:
Herbal Tea
The complete name
is actually "stinging nettle", which gives you an indication about how
difficult his herb can be to harvest. The plant may look harmless, but
it's covered with fine hairs that contain formic acid along with a
cocktail of other chemicals. Some species have such a bad sting, that
you can actually die from it. The primary health use for nettle in tea,
is to cleanse and purify the blood. · Lowers blood sugar · High in calcium, iron, potassium, and vitamins A, B, C and K · Remove toxins from the bloodstream · Lessens allergy symptoms · Strong diuretic · Improves the condition of your hair and skin · A tea-soaked compress may relieve the pain of arthritis, sciatica, or tendonitis
Here’s a website that has more information about this plant: http://www.treefrogfarm.com/floweressences/stingingnettle.html My appetite has been all over the place. I have had a couple of days with a massive sugar craving, a potato chip craving and I have indulged myself freely. I do have an almost continuous salt craving though, at least a couple of days a week, but it doesn't lead to drinking more fluids... interesting. I've had the urge to do lots of fruit juice a couple of times as well. Most of the time I've been doing my regular way of eating and foods sure do taste good.
It was during the initial beginning week that I had the most family stuff come up for clearing. Since I took back my maiden name I was now looking at those original genetic overlays that needed to be healed and transmuted. These family attributes that are carried in the name vibration are things like: anger, rage, failure, unfulfilled dreams, sexual suppression, disempowerment of the feminine energies, victim/victimizer and so on. Lots and lots of negative stuff. These came up the strongest during this time for me. They moved easily out though because I already had the template within my own emotional and spiritual bodies to allow for easy releasing of these types of energies. See, I'd done the energy work on Me all these years and also much of that from the various last names that I've had. But I haven't had my maiden name for awhile! So in a way I was going back to the beginning and sifting through those energy attributes that I came into this earth with and uniting with those that serve me and those that do not. I had done my own reunification with my dark and light but I hadn't done this on the genetic and ancestral level let alone the soul lineage level. That's what's going on in the other realms during this whole time. You might say that during this process I’m also transmuting the old energies from the other 11 aspects of me. And no wonder I feel tired a lot. I’ve been doing lots and lots of sleeping. Steve Rother and the Group talk about the other 11 aspects in the channel ~ The Miracle ~Meeting your Lemurian and Atlantean Self. It was during the second week that the death of the old identities took place and it was like dying for me. I wrote about that in my recent blog called “Collisions and Heartquakes”. Again, we can't take any of the old with us and that especially includes any old identities that we have of ourselves. This was the toughest week for me overall. I had to go through a process of death and then of grieving and mourning for those old dreams, those old versions of myself. This was heartbreaking for me and I did lots and lots of crying. I have been asking for tons of angelic help during this time and they've always been there for me. I've also talked to Rosanne and the Prophet about once a week at least and they've filled in some blanks for me and really helped me as well. This process is unlike anything I've ever done and it's been a massive leap of faith to do it!
The cool thing about this though, is that at the end of that death of the old identities and dreams I got the fabulous information about the One True Love energy coming to me and now I know that when this is over, that person will be practically standing on my doorstep! Wahoo!! Actually, mine will come after I've left Idaho... but I can feel him now. :-)
As the days go by I am feeling more and more clear in a way I've never felt before. About 2 weeks into this or more, after the above period of "dying" I came to a vast emptiness. I was cleaned out and there was nothing there. At first I thought that I was getting ready to leave the earth because my life suddenly felt so empty! It was very strange and uncomfortable for the first 2-3 days and felt like a huge depression and sadness. I have been in variations of that place since then and I know that this clear space will be a norm for me now. This is what it's like to live without the clutter of all the garbage from eons of time of living and experiencing. Then that "what's wrong with me?" feeling passes away and it feels better every day. It's a fabulous place from which to live and to create a life for myself.
This is the place where the New Energy will come into. This is the place where the passion will flow from as well. This is the place that will be transformed during the final ceremony. This is the place of the Whole, Integrated, Reunited Divine Human. This the place of the Neutral energy that has the infinite potentials for creation. How does it get any better than this?
This week has brought in some new energy guides that I will be working with in this new space. It's as though as each major thing clears out for all eternities and all lives there comes in a gift for me in return. As my "space" clears there more room for the greatness of me and I have to say that so far, the greatest shift in this whole thing has been how I view myself!
This week has been about abundance and self-worth issues, basically what do I feel that I'm worth in this life, worth receiving anyway, and it's been interesting. I now have a lovely Sirian guide named Zaihada who is working with me to unlock those doors and windows in my etheric house and to finally allow myself to receive in this physical reality the vast wealth that's been hidden away in my etheric house! I've been hording my wealth and abundance for eons of time for fear of it being taken from me. She is also going to help me begin to unlock various things within myself that are now appropriate to bring out and embody in the New Energy. The receiving is now all about what I feel I'm worth receiving. I had a huge shift with this Monday night after my weekly conversation with Rosanne and the Prophet.
I was actually introduced to Zaihada (Zeye-aye-dah) a couple of years ago through a dear friend of mine, Kate M., who also does ACCESS. Kate was offering Galactic introductions through the Kirael Message board at that time. She is still doing these types of introductions privately now, so if this resonates with you as something you'd like to inquire about, please contact me and I will put you in touch with her. I wasn't ready to work with Zaihada at that time and she's been patiently waiting for me.
Last night brought up ancient energies of fearing for my future. Feminine fears of not being supported in individuation, leading to feelings of not having the financial support that I deserve to have in my life, and so on. This activated that disharmony in my left hip and knee that I thought was all resolved last month. So I’ve been asking for some additional help in transmuting and releasing all the feminine vibrationally held fears present in this physical body that have their origin in the original separation of the masculine and feminine.
One thing that I've really been allowing for myself is the experience of all of this. This will never come again in this body and I've really been enjoying and tracking what's been happening, not rushing through it in any way. I allow the day to just unfold as it will. Like I said, there are very few who have come this far and many will take this path at some point or another, so it's all new! And I might wish to have this first account information available at some future date. J
What are the infinite possibilities?
Unity and Balance April 19, 2007
Around the first of March of this year I came to the end of my current life soul mission/soul contract. This was a very bizarre experience for me and one that my personal entourage, my group and so on, had not anticipated in any way. To say that I’d arrived at this point early was an understatement.
So what did this mean for me? My physical contract was for a life of approximately 95 years or so. And after having released the Destiny Seeds I was definitely on track for that one.
“…Destiny Seeds. You all have them. To make it quite simple a Destiny Seed is a potential or a plan for your lifetime. It was not absolute or concrete but there were events in your life that in a way you created and sometimes were created for you because of karma. You called it destiny. Certain things that had to take place or unfold in your life for the next thing to unfold- certain milestones or events – certain things that would happen to you, sometimes, again, based on karma and sometimes just on plan.
We’ll call these Destiny Seeds because you planted these seeds into your lifetime of potentials. In a lifetime of potentials anything can happen but these seeds tend to take precedence and they tend to dominate. In all of the work that you have done in your lifetime, you have released many, many, many things. We know – you keep releasing over and over again. You are amazed to discover how many layers there are, how many years that it can take. …”
Initially I was dealing with some old programs starting to cycle back to their beginning and this was not fun to deal with. For a bit of time I had to reiterate that I was choosing to be finished and complete with various manifestations in my life. For several weeks I simply explored the options that were being presented to me, feeling the energy of the place I’d arrived at in my life. I also called in every energy that’s ever worked with me in any form and asked that the Council of Twelve be petitioned in my regard to allow me to have a new soul mission/soul contract. This was done to a great extent! I was amazed how many stepped up to speak on my behalf.
I had the option of simply calling an end to this physical life and leaving the earth. I had the option of walking out and allowing another being to use my body. I had the option of taking on a new mission and go through more lessons and experiences using this life, this body. It was really interesting for me to hear during the shoud for this month that all of Shaumbra had been “polled” to see if they were staying or leaving. The Teacher Series: Shoud 9: “Sans Definition”
“…It was interesting, because so many of you asked yourself, in your dreams and in your waking state, “Should I go any further in this physical body, in this illusion of reality? Should I leave now?” There’s no penalty, by the way, for leaving. You don’t lose anything, in a sense you gain some things. “Should I end this lifetime now?” Perhaps quietly, perhaps with drama, it doesn’t matter.
But so many of you posed that question to yourself in these last days since our last Shoud. You were wondering if you had done your work. You were wondering why you continue to go through some of the hardships of the physical reality. You were wondering what it would be like to be back here with Saint-Germain, with myself, Einstein, Tesla, all of the other grand ones waiting for you to come back. …”
Eventually what I decided was that I am staying here for now, choosing life and that this life now would be a great one! I am also choosing to have the experience of NOT taking on a new mission or any new contracts. I am choosing the Unity of all my aspects, all my energies. I am choosing Balance in all areas of my life.
I’ve finished with everything that I agreed to do in this physical expression and it’s been one damn hard life with so much heartache to get here to where I am now. I decided that from now on I’m through with the lessons, through with the experiences of heartache and pain, through with anyone feeding on me or dishonoring me in any way. In other words, I am choosing a life that’s pretty much the opposite of everything that I’ve had previous to now. I am choosing a life that will be about having fun and living my passion, doing whatever the hell I want to do!
I bought the Oslo Session CD’s, “From Control to Freedom”, gone through those incredible and life changing processes, and have chosen to let go of control. It was these processes that really catapulted me into this new space. This total releasing and movement from the old life to a new one is still in the transition phase yet each day is easier and easier. One major thing that I’ve been doing to help this transition along is to specify what I no longer desire to have in my life NOW. For example, whenever I encounter an old energy trying to reassert itself in my day to day behavior I stop myself and request that this old energy leave me. More than once I have had to sit down and just tell my brain, my mind, that I no longer desire it to analyze and interpret the energies around me in relation to any experience I’ve had from the past. All of that is finished now… there’s just those old echos to be cleaned up.
Amazingly enough it’s really easy to be aware of what’s old energy and what no longer is desired by me in my life. And it’s really wonderful how, when I actually do stop and say “ENOUGH!”, how quickly it goes away. This is probably the most empowering thing I’ve experienced in a very long time. It’s made me realize that while my “team” are busy in the ethers putting together that new life for me, I have a great deal of say about it in the here and now.
If you’ve wandered in here to see what I’ve been up to you might be interested to learn that I’m moving to California in May. Way back when I was first exploring the energies with the Eleuthera Synchrotize Systemtm I had the crystals from Lake Tahoe show up with a message for me. Since my etheric “house” has always been on a hill overlooking the lake I decided that it’s time that I headed that direction to see how it all feels to me.
You might have noticed that I am reinstating doing the Messages again, although on a limited basis as I will be traveling and exploring and will not necessarily have reliable Internet access. I’ve missed doing these messages and it’s something that is a very big part of Who I Am, as the latest message from Kryon via Nancy Matter talks about. It also allows for other potentials that I’ve been playing with for after I’ve relocated.
For now though, I am not continuing the links for channels from others. I’m still feeling the energy of this.
How does it get any better than this? What are the infinite possibilities?!
Ch-ch-ch- Changes June 5, 2007
It’s been a while since I wrote anything on my website and that’s primarily because I’ve been moving so quickly and focusing so much on the integration of the many changes, that it was difficult to slow down long enough to write about it!
I am now living in the valley where I was born and raised, in a lovely RV park, in our motorhome. Here’s a couple of links that can give you an idea of where I am now. It’s really great being home again in these familiar and supportive energies. If there’s anyone in this area who reads this and would like to get together I would love to hear from you!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wood_River_Valley
http://www.gonorthwest.com/Idaho/central/Sun-Valley/svvisitor.htm
Before moving here it was tremendous fun to go through all the personal “stuff” and give away and throw away anything that no longer feels appropriate for me as we were preparing to move into our motorhome and out of the house where I’ve been for the last two years. I do this clearing out about 3-4 times a year anyway, but there’s something about knowing that it will otherwise be going into a storage place that brings more incentive to get clear of it all.
I am no longer holding an energy for a place of residence or an area or community. This time is finally about me now. I have done the emotional work, I have done the intense spiritual work. I am now in a place where there are healing energies in the earth, an area that supports alternative healers in general, and now it’s time to focus on the balancing and healing of my physical body.
Wahoo!!
You can’t imagine how good this feels to me! I had no idea how much energy I was holding for others until I gave myself permission to just let it all go. And that’s the recurring message that’s been coming from the Ascended Ones… LET IT GO! If something or someone doesn’t serve you any longer, then let it go. Giving yourself permission to be who you are is predicated on this and it’s worth it.
I’m back in the area where my incredibly talented chiropractor is found and I have lots of places for Nordic Walking, which is my new exercise love. This activity is hugely popular in Europe and I was led to it in an amusing way…
I was at the grocery store, standing in line at the checkout. I was glancing at the tabloids there and one jumped out at me. It had on the cover, “Walk Off Up to 200 Lbs.!”
For whatever reason, my body literally came to life and I had to buy the magazine. The magazine was filled with lots of rubbish, but the article on the walking off the weight was about Nordic Walking! So I got my special poles and right away I knew that this was the perfect exercise for me. It’s really addicting and it whittles away the inches like magic. I highly recommend it for a lovely and fun all-over exercise and body movement!
I am making some other changes as well. After keeping the price for the messages at $10 for well over a year and a half, I am being poked and prodded to go to $20. I will be doing this on the 10th of June. The messages themselves are now multi-layered and deliver a different energy each time they are read by the receiver. There are many other energies being brought forth and much more information is being delivered. It’s time.
I am also in the process of putting together what I will call a “Message Circle”. I would like to meet once a month or twice a month with a group via Yahoo Messenger and do a online channel in a group format. There is a great potential with this and what will be delivered and I invite anyone who is interested in participating to contact me. Yahoo Messenger is a free software that can be downloaded via the website. It’s a great medium for this now and it also carries the potential of voice chat as well as the textual chat. I don’t as yet have a microphone so for now I will go with the texting.
If you’re interested, men or women, please contact me at: 4message-circle@cox.net
One thing I will be considering with this group is one session during my day and one session later at night. I have friends from all parts of the world and this type of scheduling would more easily facilitating getting together. I will put together a schedule once I know who is interested and where they live. There will also be a chance to submit a question that might be pertinent to a group dynamic.
What I do know at this time is that there’s a line-up of beings who’d like to come and play with us and it should be great fun and interesting as well. The ones I’m aware of so far are AA Raphael, Kryon, the Goddess Sophia, Adamus St. Germaine and my own dear friend, Zaihada, among others.
I would like to take a moment and thank those who have submitted questions and been so wonderful with sharing their perceptions and receptions of what they have received in return. The energies are really stepping up and more and more people are awakening. I love referrals and I deeply appreciate them! And it’s always interesting to see who shows up to speak!
Thank you dearly for all your support!
What are the infinite possibilities?
Insights and Inspiration July 9, 2007
Wow… can’t believe it’s been so long since I wrote something for my website. I feel like I’m writing every day, but that’s just me in my journal or facilitating a message for someone. So many changes and so much intense energy coming in from every direction!
Was June the month from hell or what?! I am eternally glad that it’s over and will never come again.
It seemed like there was no time to stop and breathe between the waves of energies coming in and the old yuck leaving. Being somewhat on the sensitive side I was getting perceptions and taps on the shoulder from both directions. And damn… I just got worn out!
This month will be somewhat easier as it takes the full body system time to integrate everything that’s changed. I’m back on vacation after a period of time of feeling like I was working way too much just to keep up with everything.
In June I had the opportunity to bring to fruition three of my favorite dreams and they fill me with delight in their manifestation. The first one is the Message of the Day that I have envisioned doing for some years now. I had some wonderful software help from my friend Ray in Canada and lots of energetic support from those beings who have stood in line to bring through a message for this part of my website. If you haven’t tried these yet, I have to recommend them as I even take a peek here once in a while when I’m feeling a bit down in the mouth and need a spiritual hug from friends.
The second manifestation is the Message Circle which I wrote about last month. We’ve had two sessions thus far and while there’s been some technical difficulties, overall the experience has been positive. Again, there’s a lot of beings who are waiting in line to come through and share energies in this way and I am grateful for the opportunity finally to be able to facilitate this. Eventually I will go with a far better caliber software that will more easily facilitate the audio channels. It’s something to look forward to as this dreams expands and evolves.
The inaugural issue of the internet ezine Cosmic Lighthouse came out this month which is really fun. In June I was invited to participate in this by a friend in Singapore for whom I’ve facilitated several messages and I look forward to each issue and the great energy that it holds. I have dreamed of participating in such an endeavor and when the invitation came I knew it was the one for me.
For myself, I personally found myself in a place of total “What Now?” and didn’t have any answers. For some strange reason I thought that when I got to this place in my life, when all the soul contracts and agreements had been fulfilled and completed, that life would automatically become lovely and easy and so on. I feel kind of silly to realize now that nothing was really changing all that much for me because I hadn’t exactly put out a dream, an image or idea of what I’d like to do now!
I have been exploring Huna, which is a Hawaiian practice. I receive bulletins from the files of Max Freedom Long and they are very insightful. The following is the “aha” that I got today that really opened my eyes to what I was not doing for myself:
“… You have not decided where you are going, and, as the Aumakua makes bits of your future daily from your thoughts of what you want or what you fear, your map is filled with vague lines indicating the direction of each day's aimless paths. ... Find out what you want to have happen in your future. Ask yourself how you would feel if this or that or the other thing came in response to your work in the High Magic. Sleep over it. However you reach your decision, get it right. Get it final. You are mapping your future and you must stop changing your mind about what you wish to have happen. You are going to steady down and drive with all your strength at a definite set of aims. You may later add things to your map, but you must not make basic changes and so cause confusion. Say to yourself, "I want to be ________________ . I want to do __________ ." And then stick to it! Give your Aumakua time enough to build THAT FUTURE for you, and for that future to be actualized in your daily life. Give the Aumakua a free hand. Do not specify HOW the desired results are to be obtained. ... Step 1 is to decide what you wish to be and to do. Step 2 is to make a clear and enduring picture in your mind (thought forms) of what you wish to come to pass. …”
Now… could an explanation be any simpler than that? Before your angels and group can help you create a great life they have to have something to work with, right?! And all this time I’ve been getting more and more frustrated because my life wasn’t changing as quickly as I was wishing that it would. And I have to admit that I wasn’t even trying to imagine what that new life would be… I guess I kind of thought that my soul would have this well in hand and be the one making the decisions. LOL!!
I recognized today that I am the master and it’s time for me to step up and make the choices about what I’d like to do when I grow up rather than feeling that this would happen automatically. I’ve been so involved with the service and soul work that I’ve done my whole life that I haven’t had any time to dream my dreams of a great life or to imagine what that life would be like. I’ve always simply followed the soul energy and let it take me where it desired me to go, doing what I was led to do in that moment, and to bring into my life the people who needed to be there.
So now… what do I want to do and be when I grow up?
That is going to take some creative imagining and thank god I have the time and the situation to do that now. I am basically on vacation and while I have my great and easy computer connection, there is nothing that I am required to do in any given moment and nowhere I need to be. So I can sit in the shade and allow myself to fly in imaginings and see where it takes me. A bit scary here… and quite a change from the old life.
And… I admit… I feel a great trepidation in the thinking of what would it be like to actually have my life turn out like I would like it to be at it’s greatest? How much responsibility does that involve? Is it really ok now to have some fun as I’m done with the work part? Can I really explore new modalities simply for the learning of them? Attend workshops for the sheer fun of it?
I am going to begin making a list of potentials for myself and with that list I will feel each potential to see if it’s something I’d like to play with. I have certain dreams and aspirations that remain foundational for me and now I am going to flesh those out a bit more. It’s a strange feeling to have this much freedom and maybe I’ll start small to see how it all works.
What are the infinite possibilities? How does it get any better than this?!
Peace Upon Completion July 15, 2007
In the most recent shoud, from the 7th
of July,
The Teacher Series:
And so, with that statement from Tobias, I came to the end of my agreements with the Crimson Circle and with Shaumbra to hold any kind of space or energy for this work! Halleluiah! The taste of Freedom! I have wanted to be complete with the Crimson Circle, Shaumbra and especially the Message Board for over a year now. I’ve had a lot of good experiences with folks on the board, yet for the last year those experiences have become increasingly confrontational and judgmental and I just don’t choose to have that in my new life. While I recognize that this has been a form of moving stuck energies, it’s very painful for me psychically and I am now releasing that dynamic in my life. The CC Message Board used to be a place where you could bring your thoughts, feelings and emotions and lay them down with others who could understand what you were going through. It was an energetic haven, a sanctuary of sorts. But it is that way no longer. I even tried posting under the name of my Divinity, revealing that side of my soul self and the responses were very much the same… people posting to tell me how “wrong” I am for what I’m experiencing and then proceeding to tell me what to do to “fix” myself. There is no being on this earth who can tell me what I should or shouldn’t do in my life and how I express it. Oh, I don’t mind the opinions of others, but when someone blatantly tries to tell me how to live my life then that is someone who does not belong in my life. And while these increasingly hostile experiences with the board have facilitated my bringing home many lost and dark aspects of myself, it is still an energy that I longer choose to support in that incarnation or that expression! With this completion comes a huge amount of peace in my life now. I had no idea how much of my personal energy was being focused there, holding a space for those present in Shaumbra to do the shifts and changes. I’ve been doing a great deal of transmutational work with Archangel Raphael to get clear of this, too. And with the releasing of those agreements I am now free to move at my own pace of ascension and I now have much more energy to contribute to my own creations. Yes, I will continue to read the shouds each month for they are a source of good information. I may even attend a workshop now and then. What I will no longer be though, is a member, an energetic member of Shaumbra. My time for that expression of myself is finished, is complete and I love how it feels to be done! How does it get any better than this!?
When Old Energies Leave August 1, 2007
On the 17th of July during the “Fire the Grid” world-wide meditation experience I got hit hard by the rebounding of the dark energies reacting to the “love and light” being sent around the world. I don’t participate in these types of activities and didn’t with this one, although I sure did feel it that day. Even knowing and being prepared for such a rebounding response did not make it any easier for me and this energy hit my cat really hard. He started throwing up that day and this continued for a couple of days. He was an 18lb. Maine Coon and very quickly went to about 14 pounds from not taking in any nutrition.
By the weekend I knew that he was going to leave, to transition and leave his body, that he couldn’t do this work any longer, didn’t want to have these experiences any longer. I had been checking in with him several times a day and knew that he wanted to do this on his own and didn’t want to visit the vet, although I decided over the weekend that I was going to take him anyway on Monday and help him because I couldn’t stand the idea of him suffering in any way. I’d been hearing from various channels for over 2 years now that Mr. Bear was tired and ready to leave.
On Sunday night late I felt him leave and I went through hours of a deep grief for his loss in my life, a solo ceremony of releasing and blessing him for all that he’s been for me. It was really hard for me to let him go. He travelled with me for over 9 years and so many times he’s been the only thing that’s kept me going when I had run out of hope for myself. He's had thousands upon thousands of hours of energy work that's he's witnessed as well as participated in and was very much a conscious and aware pet companion. And in the grief I also felt a large part of myself leave as well, an old energy that didn’t wish to be here any more either.
In their most recent radio show for July, Story Waters and Lee Harris talk about the death of the archetypes and how they are leaving now. Their show is Invitation to Remember and it’s really good with great explanations and examples and each of them do a channel that helps to clarify some of what’s been happening lately with these types of deaths and transitions.
The following morning I went to my cat who was sleeping in the other room and fully expected to find him dead. Instead, what I saw when I looked into his eyes was a completely different being looking back at me! A new little spirit who had come in to finish out the life of the physical body that my dear older cat had left!
I did a message for myself with Archangel Raphael in the midst of all of this and asked him about what was happening. Here’s a bit of what he shared with me:
Hello. It’s been a bit of time since I had a conversation or message about me. This situation with my cat is puzzling. What should I know about this? Hello yourself, dear one. I Am Raphael and I am here with you this evening. You yourself have felt in need of a healing and transformation lately and this is the case for the little fur one as well. He doesn’t feel well in his physical body and sleeping helps him to step out and be free of the painful, dense energies of his body. He is somewhat tired on the physical plane, yet he is not quite ready to leave you. He is now doing what he can to shift some energies and to transform some others. I say to you now that he may not be successful at what is occurring for him and it is good that you have been experiencing this potential. (grieving and letting go)
What does he need from me at this time? More than anything else he simply needs your love and support. He will eat and drink when he is ready and he is not quite ready. Yes, there is the potential that this will cause his physical body to die, yet have you seen the normal effects that you would expect to see in a body that has had so little food and drink for the last week? His body is in the process of transforming and he would like you to let go of trying to control this and let it be for now.
What about taking him to the vets? I understand that you are worried about the lack of eating and drinking and are in a 3D experience with this as it could lead to his passing. What would you expect to learn at the veterinarian’s office? That he is in good health otherwise, which you already know? That perhaps it’s the heat or something to that effect? For those are the platitudes that you could be told as well as being told that he might have a bladder infection. Does he act as though he is ill otherwise?
No, he doesn’t. Yet it’s the lack of eating and drinking that seriously concern me. Truly, does he really want me to stand back and watch him go? In a manner of speaking he would like you to honor that he knows what he’s doing and be at peace with it. It is the judgments around allowing him to make his own choices that you are buying into and causing you problems. You worry about being perceived as a bad mother or of cruelty. Yet, you know, don’t you, that he doesn’t need you to worry about him or to make his choices for him. What would it take for you to step back, step back far and simply allow him to go through what it is that he’s going through?
Does that mean that if he is choosing to die that I should just let him do it on his terms without the vet visit? Yes dear one, this is what I am saying and this is coming from your fur one as well. For what is happening here is that he is allowing himself to mirror the experience for you of trusting your own guidance and following through. On the divine level you know that he is doing what he needs to do for himself and that you can let go of it. It’s the human side of you that is so worried and therefore feels that you have to rush around “doing” something. Is this not the case? … Can you be in total allowance of what your dear fur one is choosing? Can you let go of the control or the illusion of trying to control this situation? This is what he is trying to get you to see, that your attempts are not having any effect and there is a great gift in this for you. He would like you to see that there is no need to worry about anything in your life, for your soul and you are merging and there is a great love and compassion that is now available for you in your life and it will assist you to see that all is truly well for you.
This is a time now that you should be looking at what is keeping you from trusting your own guidance, for it comes from a great well of truth and knowing. As the Kryon said to you, you know what you know and you know it. You know that your fur person is going through a deep transition and the best thing that you can do for him is to honor that and support it in whatever form that takes. And if that means leaving him alone and not trying to shove the food and drink at him, then that is what it is. When he is ready he will eat and drink. It is as simple as that my friend. And if he decides that he is not able to make this great shift of energies, then he will leave you.
It felt to me last night that he did leave and that another took his place. And that this new being would get through the transformations and stay with me for a while. There is much truth to this, for again, you know what you know. The new little one is not quite fully present in the physical form and hence there are still times of deep sleeping and not taking in nourishment. The new little one is another aspect of your cat and there is much that is familiar, yet there is much that is still to do before this new one is comfortable in the physical body. I say to you that there is a potential that there will not be enough linear time for the shifts to take place before the physical body closes down. This is simply one potential of many.
Your little one heard you last night when you cried that you didn’t want him to go yet. When you cried that you would like him to stay with you until at least another partner comes into your life, that you didn’t want to be alone. There is some validity to this request and it is being honored as best it can be under the circumstances. There is also the potential that your own soul experience will bring you time with just yourself without the responsibility for any other being.
Dear one, you do not need anyone to take care of you and you know this. You have learned this in great depth over these last years. It is the little fur one who helps you on the emotional level to feel that you are not alone and I say to you that your own soul is coming closer to you to bring you that same energy. So while it may not take the form of a cat or beloved pet… it is still here for you.
You have done the work my friend, more than could be asked of anyone. Now it is time for you to take care of you and let go of everything else, including any beings who you feel any level of responsibility for, including your dear fur person. Know this and then allow yourself to have whatever experience your soul is bringing to you. And whatever form that the experience takes, whether it’s the moving on of your dear pet or the moving out of the *, it is all part of the lead up to the life that you have been choosing for yourself and your soul is bringing to you.
It is now time for you to take those steps back and stop the worrying about everything that you worry about. There is nothing coming to you that you need worry about any longer for it is all divinely driven. Very much as the exercise today spoke about, over the next 17 days you will feel the old drop away and the new come closer to you. You have more coming to you than you could ever imagine!
(The exercise he mentions is the Kuthumi channel from Michelle Eloff, ENTITY DETACHMENT & ADVANCED TRANSMUTATION THROUGH SACRED GEOMETRY, sent out to her email list on July 19th, now available on her new website.)
The new little spirit that came in is now much more fully present and he is so different, so light and lively and eager to explore his new world! At first it was a bit disconcerting as I’ve never heard of a Walk Out Walk In animal before, although I’ve had a lot of experience with this in people. My mother walked out when I was 13 as she had been trampled by a horse and was in a coma for 8 days. Then when I was 16 my then boyfriend was in a car wreck and had serious brain injuries. More often than not a walk out situation occurs when there has been a head injury. In each case the energy that walked in was like a complete stranger.
There are some differences too that I’ve had to get used to in this new one. For one thing, he doesn’t purr anywhere near as much as my other fella did. He also splits his time sleeping in different rooms whereas I’m used to the fur person being next to me all night. He didn’t initially flow an energy of love to me that I was used to. This latter is slowly changing as he and I come to know each other better and develop a new love. He is very affectionate and likes to give me kitty kisses and licks in the middle of night when he comes to snuggle close.
I had a lovely online channel with Rosanne Dourado and the Prophet Muhammad and was told in part the following about my new little one:
"This cat is a new cat, and came to help/support you with raising your vibration. Your grieving is part of the metamorphosis because you said goodbye to an aspect that has been joined to you for some time. He would like to be called Sami.
The name Sami means exalted, elevated, sublime, lofty - this name is appropriate because of the office he holds to assist you. It's like having a new baby which occupies one, and the first word /step is what gives one delight. Sami is there to assist you with walking into the shadow biology ..."
I have also found that there’s been a deep change within myself with this transition of my old cat leaving and the new little one coming in. I feel that Mr. Bear took much of the old energies with him that belonged to me, for I feel lighter in my life too. I feel less burdened more than anything else, it’s easier to take care of me and to allow others to have their trauma and drama without my being any part of it. I’m seeing life in a new way right along with the new little one, Sami.
This last is a good thing because more and more people are lashing out at others as they are experiencing the intense shifts of energy happening now that are revealing what has been hidden and secret. Where I live we’ve had hotter than seasonal temperatures and this is making people a bit crazy. I’m experiencing supposed “Lightworkers” revealing more and more of their own personal unbalanced energies in polarity as they lash out, especially through judging others. This is revealing a lack of authenticity that desires to be balanced as the “walk” is not vibrationally in alignment with the “talk”. If one is out of balance there’s no place to hide that any longer. Aspects are coming home to be integrated and healed and this is truly an intense time all around.
This attacking of myself is not something that I will tolerate in my life and if that is how someone is choosing to be or act towards me from their own unbalanced energies then they are not welcome in my life any longer. I will not tolerate being treated with less than the respect and dignity that I deserve.
The greatest change now is in making choices that serve me and owning those choices. I do this by stating emphatically that I’m done with this or that experience and will no longer tolerate a lower vibrational person or experience in my life. I am now shifting from being an energy mover to being an energy observer, stepping behind the short wall and not engaging in the duality and polarity that are being shown in extremity now.
How does it get any better than this?!
More Deaths August 6, 2007
The Crimson Circle shoud this month, which is the first in the new series, “The Quantum Leap Series” was life changing. The shoud is called, "The Demons Are Yours" and it dovetailed incredibly well with what’s been happening to me and for me this month so far. By the way, it’s really nice to listen to the shouds without that pulling in and tugging on of my energies that I’ve experienced with other shouds before I chose to let go.
I began this month with a massive psychic attack from someone coming through the email address that I use for the Ask A Question part of my website. When I read an email from someone using this address I automatically open myself up psychically and will be in a very vulnerable place so as to then go into channeling their message. This allows me to be the most clear channel that I can be to facilitate the movement of energies that come through in the messages.
This person attacked me in that place and it was shattering for me. So much so that I am no longer doing the messages at all. What this action, this attack did FOR me, was to kill an archetype of channeling and to change my life. The archetype that died was of me, the channeler in this current form, that one archetype of facilitating the messages in a public form, in a personal connection. And like any death can bring, there was tremendous pain of grief and loss and an internal fracturing of identity.
In my prior blog I mentioned the July Invitation to Remember with Story Waters and Lee Harris in which they talk about the death of archetypes. I am so grateful to my dear friend in Australia who gave me a head’s up about this radio show because it helped me understand what happened to me with the death of this channeling archetype. This was when I made the decision that I am finished with this form of channeling and would cease putting myself in any kind of position where another person could take shots at me in this way… in other words, I made the decision to cease being vulnerable in this way and being a target through this one on one channeling.
I was in a lot of physical pain from this attack because a psychic attack shatters a part of a person’s energetic field and this takes time and lots of breathing to repair. It hurts physically as well as emotionally and spiritually. I was in a place of somewhat wandering around wondering what the hell I was going to do with my life now when I listened to the latest shoud.
Tobias talked about bringing in new consciousness, bringing in new energy and the releasing of our demons. This was the very last shoud of old energy. He took Shaumbra to the Shaumbra Service Center and we all were encouraged to release the demons that we’ve been holding on to that have created a blockage in consciousness.
This shoud was life changing for me in that many the demons I released were all about NOT living the life I currently have and were in fact keeping me from seeing my life with clarity and receiving the life that I deserve. I had been ignoring great potentials that I have now, in place of those dreams and images of a life I wish that I had, and one that exists only in the future.
With the death of my archetype of the channeler for others one on one, I let go of the demon that was keeping me in service to others. Even though I had been perceiving this channeling as a gift that I was giving to others, it was not a gift at all in a particular light. In many ways it was taking my attention from my life and draining my energies as I was still holding an energy space for those who received the messages, based entirely on an old energy agreement. This had to stop because I am more in need of this energy for myself than ever before!
With the leaving of the spirit of my beloved cat last month, many old energies of mine left as well. He also took old energies from my ex-husband, who I am still living with and had been mucking through a relationship with.
The greatest thing that my cat took with him was a connection to masculine energies that had been a lifeline for me that he brought to me. I discovered on Saturday that I had demons that were in place to keep me from receiving the quantity of masculine energies that I truly desired and needed to be in balance with myself. When this demon left, what was opened up for me was an entirely new connection with my partner, in this now life.
Suddenly I was able to receive masculine energies from him, my partner! This was so bizarre because for the length of our relationship he’s been playing the role of the child and being with a mother energy… me. He would absolutely refuse to be in his own masculine energies and at times I felt forced to hold the warrior energies myself in the role playing…. Yuck! This shifted dramatically after the shoud and there was much more that shifted in this relationship as well.
The demons that were keeping the role playing in place for us are now gone. We woke up on Sunday morning to find that we were more authentic, both with ourselves and each other, than at any other time in the life of this relationship! We had suddenly found ourselves in an energy of “easy”, without efforting, and to have found completion with the necessity to play out those roles of being each other’s parents that we had been bringing to ourselves so as to understand our family dynamics and to heal old karma. We found ourselves in a whole new place of being our authentic selves and it’s light and lovely and will be quite interesting to explore further.
What I am feeling this day is a peace and contentment, although my physical body feels like it’s been through a war. I feel so much completion and now see an image of myself riding off into the sunset… while life goes on and the movie credits wind up the screen. In the death of the channeler I found completion in a life that was interesting but not quite as fulfilling as I had hoped it would be. So many people were coming to me recently who were just waking up and were stuck in their heads and not really “getting” what the messages were about for them. I just can’t deal with ones on that level, didn’t want to be a teacher of those at that level and am really glad to be finished.
I am now beginning to see what the Kryon said to me in June via Nancy Matter… that while I’ve been thinking that my life would be this way… things are changing so that my life will actually be manifesting in a different way as I merge with my soul, which has a different plan for my life. And while I am not quite seeing much of what the potentials are as yet, I am feeling the energies of writing a book or two or articles that are partially channeled, those types of connections rather than the one-on-one connections that I had via the messages that have ultimately brought me such pain.
The psychic attack that resulted in the ending of this expression of channeling was not the first one…. It was just the harshest, most destructive one and it brought me to the knowing that it wasn’t worth it to me to be a target for those who feel it’s ok to write whatever the hell they feel like writing to a total stranger, regardless of and completely unconscious of, the energies flowing right along with their words. I wrote about this type of action in my article, “Intentional Harmfulness” and I have long felt that “lightworkers” should have as a foundation that they first of all, Do No Harm to another living thing.
Being one who channeled via words, I am particular sensitive and aware of those underlying energies that accompany words and I have to admit that I am many times appalled at what one person will write to another… what makes someone write something to another person that they would never have the balls to say to their face? Energetically, there is no difference as it is still a connection between one being and another.
Ok… enough of that.
So life is very different for me this day and I am excited about the potentials that I now have to explore a whole new relationship with my partner. He is here in this now and very present, we are still together, and as a pair we are moving into a new phase of our lives, one that is surprisingly free of old energy and even old history. I cannot say what of if I will do regarding the Ask A Question messages as that doesn't feel very good to me right now.
In a recent excerpt from Abraham (Hicks) in "Lock on to Your Receiving Mode" they say:
How does it get any better than this?!
Pet Companion Gifts and the Unknowing of Myself August 21, 2007
Thursday evening last week, the 16th of August, 2007, I lost the fur love of my life, my Maine Coon cat Mr. Bear. He had gone in to the vet’s to get an abscessed tooth pulled and when the blood work came back before doing the surgery it was discovered that he was in kidney distress and failure. Rather than keep him on antibiotics for the month or so that he would have left to live, I made the decision to let him go instead. He was about 15-16 years in age and had been in diminishing health for the last 6 months or so.
And in that moment of making the decision to have him put down, I knew that it was right, hard though it was for me to let him go. I had been aware of this time coming to me for over two years, and especially so in the last two weeks, and while you can never truly be prepared, I walked into the knowing that it was time for this change for both of us. Various channels that I’d had over the last two years had shared with me that this fur person was tired and did desire to leave this incarnation. That was never easy to hear.
I chose to have him cremated and did not keep his ashes.
In the immediate days following I went through a type of personal hell that I have never experienced before. It took me a couple of days to fully appreciate what his death was all about and I am still learning and perceiving what this means for me at this time in my life and the gifts that his passing have brought to me.
If you have the opportunity to listen to the Tobias Q&A Pets CD, I highly recommend it, especially if you have any special pet companions. I forgot that I had it until yesterday and listening to it once again brought me a measure of peace and surety about what I was doing and experiencing that I desperately needed. This CD is about those very special pet companions, the ones who are so much more than simply an animal that shares your life and journey with you. These are the ones that have shared potentially every life you’ve ever had on this earth!
Initially with the loss of my beloved cat, I felt a personal loss of self and identity that was horrendous. I had extreme moments of panic and anxiety attacks that seemed to come from nowhere and I experienced such fear that I would virtually be paralyzed at times. Strange words kept repeating themselves in my head, “who am I without him?” and “I don’t know how to live without him!” that were being dredged up from some place deep inside me. It took a couple of days to come back to myself so as to see what this was all about as it seemed to be so much more than what I would expect to experience from the situation.
As a child, I grew up in a family that shared no love between any of the members. There were four kids as well as two adults and the only love in the family came through the animals, primarily a series of Siamese cats. What I have experienced over the last few days is the soul integration of those little girls who fragmented off and left during those three times when the family cat was put to sleep due to illness or something else. And in this integration I have once more gone through the full blown loss and grief that those little girl aspects of myself felt with these losses. This was all brought home to me at the same time over the last few days, just like it was suddenly happening all over again. These little ones ranged in age from 1½ years of age to about 5 years… ages when external experiences have huge and lasting impacts.
I went through the full body experience of what it was like for those little girls to lose the one being in their life who loved them unconditionally and that they loved in return. In their grief there was “no one there” emotionally to nurture and comfort them. There was “no one there” to even explain what had happened and where those loved cats had gone when they suddenly disappeared in the car with a parent, never to be returned!
The fear was so overwhelming for them, this inability to deal with or even comprehend the depth of loss, that they chose to break off and leave until such a time as it would be possible for the adult emotional body to process what had happened. These little girls were left with the notion that whatever being they loved would be taken from them by a parent and they didn’t know what they had done “wrong” that this was happening?
So I, the adult emotional body, went through the processing of this loss and grief for those three little girls of myself. These three little girls were part of a group of aspects of myself that I had received back during a Shamanic journey performed for me years ago by a Master. Generally with a soul integration you will also receive back the “story” behind the original fragmentation and be shown what was happening all around during that time. The story of what created the fragmentation of these particular little girls was never available to me from that original retrieval until now.
The first of the gifts that I received from the transition of my beloved cat was this integration and the experiencing of the homecoming and return of my lost and broken little girls, coming home to me, the adult, for healing. And even as I came to understand what was happening, I continued to be thrown into the full body experiencing of the anxiety and panic attacks, not being able to breathe because I was experiencing their fears of death at the hands of a parent or adult within my own emotional body. I realized that nothing was explained to me when the cats I loved so much were gone and of course, as a small child, all I had was my own imagination that maybe I would be the next one to die.
It was during these initial panic and anxiety attacks that I began to turn to my partner for support and stability. This is the second gift that came to me from the passing of my dear one.
My beloved cat was a compilation of energies that were very much my own and he also embodied the energy of every special pet I’ve ever had in all my lives as he’s been through more incarnations with me than any other being, including humans. This brought about for us a type of other-worldly psychic connection that I have only ever had with this cat companion. He also flowed the love of all creation and those beyond the veil through his body to me, bringing in constant love and compassion from my own angels, and as long as he was with me I knew that I was never alone and was always loved.
His passing created a massive hole in my life and in my heart. This being who travelled with me for nine years of the most intense and earth shaking transformations of an entire existence was suddenly gone. I could not “feel” him on any level and it was like taking a step and finding that somehow the ground beneath my feet was no longer there. I was now standing in the air without foundation, without guidance, without support being there for me in a form that I’d become so used to having, had relied on having in my life. I mean, he was there for everything that I experienced, listening to every channel, sitting close to me while I processed every damn layer of my personal “onion” of soul clearing and he himself had thousands of hours of energy work performed on himself as well! He was the best friend I ever had to walk this spiritual walk with me!!
In the most recent channel, Story Waters brings through more information about the “deaths” that many humans are going through right now and this channel is primarily about the death of identity and who we perceive ourselves to be. It dovetails very nicely with the channels from Story and Lee in their July Invitation to Remember. Much of this death for me has been in relation to my outer world, somewhat like seeing myself through the eyes of others, how I relate to others, and now as I related to my dear cat. And as long as I had my dear companion to take care of, then it also gave my life an outward purpose and meaning to a certain extent. We watched out for and took care of each other in a private little circle of us two. Without him, I suddenly didn’t know how to be.
What his passing brought to me was an opportunity to now turn and explore the relationship that I have with my partner, who is also my ex-husband, whom I am still living with. A relationship that was always kept a bit at arms length because I received so much energetic support through the vehicle of my cat, a learned behavior from early childhood as I came to see that I could receive nothing from those humans around me. In a way, I really didn’t know how to receive from humans around me…
So I began to turn to my partner for support and the nurturing of a broken and very sad heart. He who has never really been there in great extent for me was suddenly stepping up and taking on the role of being the energies that I so very much needed so as to facilitate this healing of what is most likely my oldest and deepest wounds. He stepped up to fill that gap and bring in the energies of support and caring that those little girls never had. He stepped up to take on that facilitating role of being my family in a new way. He stepped into the hole that my beloved cat had brought about by his leaving.
With his leaving my dear fur person also took a vast amount of worry energy with him, which has been very interesting to me. I used to worry to varying degrees about everything and everyone, sometimes even obsessively from a place of feeling out of control. I wasn’t really aware that I had this energy to the extent that I did until it was suddenly gone. I realized that this worry was also ingrained from childhood as well, that I was always worried about the next animal I loved and how could I take care of it so it wouldn’t be leaving me like all the others had done. I worried about what people around me would say, as my parents were emotionally unstable and anything could set them off. As a child and young adult I lived in a constant state of worry that I would do something “wrong” in some way or another.
Over the last few days I have also seen how I would not have been able to fully let go of my old energies and old identities without the leaving of my beloved cat. He held all of that for me. His leaving allowed me to fully and finally release the last of the old and to come to a place of vast emptiness where the healing can now begin. It is in this place where I find myself now and it is here where the new energies will begin to flow into when the timing is appropriate. This is the unknowing of myself… releasing everything that I thought I was, how I looked at my life, how I related to those around me, how I expressed myself as an identity in my life, the very foundation of my ego and self identity.
I have found over the years that I always manifest my worst fears, perhaps to then show myself that I can survive or to show myself that my strength comes from the letting go of and surviving the loss of something and someone that matters to me. Regardless of the underlying energy of it all, with the passing of my cat I realized one of my worst fears; being without a cat companion in my life for the first time in over 30 years!
Fear is an interesting thing. It’s like having a tooth pulled and your tongue keeps coming back to the space where the tooth used to be, exploring to see if there is still a residual pain and then seeing if you can tolerate that pain. I have done this with the absence of my beloved cat over these days, seeing where he is no longer and then experiencing the waves of pain and anguish that I have. I had been very much in the habit of checking on him psychically throughout the day and seeking him out, sharing time with him and touching base so to speak. The huge absence of his energy is what I’m having the most difficulty adjusting to right now!
And I will probably do this automatic checking for his energy for a while until such a time as the probing of that space no longer brings the pain, the intense and sudden recognition that he’s gone, and I can see that I am ok and surviving and moving on. Until such a time that the probing |